Life before cancer......

Life before cancer.  Just 6 months before diagnosis

Day 31 of my 365 day blog challenge.

Tonight's blog was suppose to be a continuation of last nights post.  But tonight my body is in a little bit of pain so I thought that I would write about it.

As you know by now, I am pretty much an open book.  I will tell all and share just about anything about my life.  One thing that I rarely talk about that I wanted to share tonight is that I am in pain.  Don't be alarmed, I am healthy.  But since cancer likely due to the toxins from the chemotherapy and due to menopause, I am pain.  My joints, and body aches all day long.  The pain in my feet after a hard day at work is almost too much to bare sometimes.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have pain from the minute I wake up to the time that I go to bed.  It's likely arthritis and or osteoporosis.  I manage it on my own.  I refuse to take any pharmaceutical drugs for it.  That's the last thing my body needs.  Not Tylenol, not Advil, nothing.  Eating raw does help for sure.  More so than if I were eating non-vegan cooked food. 

Being in pain isn't something that I have shared before.  I have never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.  At times I wake up and wish just for one day I could be pain free.  But I feel so blessed to be healthy. 

Juggling my busy life and trying to manage constant foot, back, hip, shoulder, hand, finger, leg pain isn't easy.  I am up everyday around 5am just so I can get my meditation in (reminding self how blessed I am), then I have to stretch my body for about 20 minutes before I can go to the gym for 6am and keep my body moving.  The minute I sit down throughout the day, it's so hard and takes so much for me to get up and keep moving again.  I am sad at times I'm not going to lie.  But I remain positive and believe that one day I will be free of pain.

So if I am such a positive person and never want you to feel sorry for me, then why am I sharing this with you? Because I just felt like I needed you to know.  For those times that I may be a little quiet or times when I may not want to go out.  For those times that my mood shifts and you may not hear from my for awhile.  I ask for your patience and understanding.  Beating cancer was the easy part.  It's all the left over crap that I continue to push through daily. 

I am blessed! I am healthy! I am free of pain ;)

Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting.  Giving thanks and love.

 

 

 

More than just a shcool......

Day 30 of my 365 day blog challenge.

I just want to start out by saying that I have had an extremely busy day today and my body is sore and exhausted.  So this will be a very quick blog that will be continued tomorrow night :)

I noticed this picture tonight when I was at Nathan's school for a meeting.  This is a true representation of how awesome Nathan's school is.  It is a multi-cultural school with 25 different languages.  It is a school that doesn't tolerate one ounce of bullying.  The faculty encourage the kids to be who they are.  They encourage the students to have friendships through all grades. 

To be continued.........

Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting.  Giving thanks and love! xo

I've always stood up for what I believe in.

Day 29 of my 365 day blog challenge

I have always believed in speaking my mind and standing up for what I believe in.  My dad always told me that when in a confrontation with someone "remember that yelling isn't going to get you anywhere".  Unfortunately, we didn't get that when we had arguments....lol

When I look at this picture (though I don't really remember it and feel a little disconnected from that kid) I see real determination in my face.  I see focus and strength. 

Through my years I have had many arguments and confrontations with people in my life and those I had never met before.  They usually ended up very heated with lots of name calling and cheap shots.  I like to think that something in me changed these last few years.  I don't know if it was the cancer diagnosis or just growing and having a better understanding.

Today whenever I am faced with these "tests" in life I recognise that this is an opportunity for me to grow.  Instead of thinking I'm shifting into defence mode.

Case in point: (whoo I feel like a lawyer) LOL.
I was on the bus today heading home from work.  It wasn't packed but busy enough that I got one one of the last few seats.  At the next stop a woman got on with her two young children (maybe 4 and 7).  Her and her daughter sat together and son across.  I gave up my seat for her son and stood instead.  This whole time there was a man (maybe 58) seating alone.  He was drinking a can of  beer and in between his singing, he was complaining about being an immigrant from Costa Rica and women in an extremely aggressive way.  Every 6 words were F bombs.  I listened to it.  Along with everyone else who didn't say anything.  But that only lasted 3 stops in.  I calmly in a loud voice said "excuse me sir, can you please be quite there's children on the bus" to with he responded "why don't you just F off".  I took a deep breathe while all eyes are now on me and they were likely thinking "you idiot".  Then he started talking about women and sex and F every word now.  I had enough.  I always say what I am thinking.  I got up and walked over to him.  I said "sir there are young children on this bus and frankly I have had a hard day at work and I don't want to hear it" He: "what are you a politician"...LOL I: "sir, can I suggest you get off the bus" He continues to swear etc... I said "sir please get off the bus.  He stood up told me where to go and got off the bus.

I walked back to my seat, sat down and smiled to myself.  I did it! I passed the test.......

When I was getting off the bus.  I noticed that two Japanese guys were sitting there looking at me and talking.  So I smiled.  They flexed there muscles, gave me a thumbs up and smiled back.  I knew then, I did the right thing.

Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.  Giving love and thanks and appreciation.

Changing the way I saw my food.....

Day 28 of my 365 day blog challenge

Growing up I was a very picky eater.  I didn't eat fish unless it was halibut that was coated in deep fried batter and then I would dump malt vinegar all over it.  I never drank milk and ate very little cheese.  I ate meat, and I'm sure a lot of processed "foods".  Because I played a lot of sports, I remember eating out.... a lot! In my elementary school days I would hang out at the corner store everyday eating chocolate bars and drinking coke.  My "food" consumption in those days was pretty bad.  I was always eating junk food.  My memory of eating vegetables consisted of corn on the cob and the toppings on my burger.

I started eating a little better in my late teens into my early 20's.  Then when I met Karen we decided to stop eating red meat and did so for 7 years.  We were eating poultry, bread and dairy then.  Every now and then I would have my halibut and chips.......lol I thought then that I was eating healthy.  I would have a salad with every meal and never over eat.  I had always heard of people being vegetarians or vegans but I seriously thought they were crazy and thought that I would never give up my meat, breads, dairy, fried foods and sweets!!

In the fall of 2010 I went to a dinner party at a friends house.  She catered the dinner from a place called Organic Lives.  It was all vegan/raw.  I wasn't even sure what that meant then.  I just knew that I loved the way I was eating and didn't see any reason to change that.  I was encouraged to just try the food.  Made only from fruits, raw vegetables, nuts and seeds.  All organic and nothing cooked.  No dairy, no meat, no wheat, no sugar, nothing processed.  Just fresh, raw, healthy organic food in its original form.  I feel in love at first bite! I couldn't believe it.  The next day I went to the restaurant and chatted with the owner.  I told him that I was just out of chemotherapy, have been eating everything under the sun and was told by my oncologist that I would have to stay on a cancer pill for likely the rest of my life.  The pill along, the food I was eating along with the side effects from chemo was causing me to have severe joint pain that was leading to me having to walk with a cane.  Along with acid reflux, multiple gall stones (needed surgery) asthma, mouth sores.  It was a very long list of pains and fatigue.  Preet (the owner) assured me that if I started a raw/vegan lifestyle everything that I was experiencing would simply go away or at least be more manageable.  He also encouraged me to stop taking the pharmaceutical drug.  I told him that my doctor said that I likely had to take it for the rest of my life to keep the cancer away.  Preet said that the drug was doing more harm that good to my body.  I just froze.  How could I stop taking this pill that is keeping my cancer away....

That day I went home, told Karen that we were switching to a vegan/raw lifestyle.  Karen couldn't have been happier.  We were ready for a change and we were so tired of feeling tired after eating and tired of feeling like crap.  We embraced it and so our new journey began.  Within days of eating all raw (fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds) people were commenting on how good my skin looked.  Within 1 week I had dropped about 5 pounds.  I was starting to feel fantastic.  I had incredible energy, my stomach and joint pain was improving.  Within 2 months of going raw I walked into my doctors office and told him that I will no longer be taking the chemo pill and that I would never need another refill of my asthma inhaler again.  He thought I was crazy.

Today all my symptoms are gone.  I haven't had 1 cold since going raw.  I still do have joint pain and body aches due to early menopause (from cancer) along with arthritis.  But it's not even close to what it could have been. 

The concept behind eating raw is to get your body alkaline.  Most cooked foods (meat, dairy, coffee, breads, wheat's, desserts) etc are all acidic.  When our bodies are acidic we are leaving ourselves open to illness.  Colds, fatigue, disease, etc...

I can still eat everything I use to enjoy.  I use a dehydrator instead of an oven.  I eat dessert every day without any guilt.  Never processed and real food.  I drink amazing smoothies and truly love the food.

People have reversed there diabetes, cancer, and all kinds of aliments by being more aware of what they consume.  "Food" has changed.  It's not what it use to be.  Next time you visit the grocery store just ask yourself one simple question "was this grown or manufactured in a factory".  Cars are manufactured, our food shouldn't be.

If you have any questions about making small food changes in your life, I would love to help.

Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.  Giving thanks for my health and yours.

Childhood best friend....

Grade 4 1981/82

 

Day 27 of my 365 day blog challenge.

Childhood best friend.  We all had one.  That special friend who you did and shared everything with.  My best friend was Zelda Sadler.  We played together, laughed, and fought (maybe that was just me) as I would steal her marbles when we played.  I am sure I made Zelda cry on more than one occasion.  At times I probably wasn't a very nice friend.  I had issues....LOL But Zelda and I always knew that we could count on each other.  We had sleepovers and hung out everyday.  We were very opposite but for whatever reason, we connected.  I played sports and was very athletic.  Zelda's parents unfortunately didn't allow her to play sports.  We were good friends......

I met Zelda when I was about 6 years old.  We lived just north of Jane and Finch in Toronto.  It was a tough area, but we were tough kids :) We went through grade school together and then went to separate high schools.  Then about mid grade 8 my parents decided to move to Mississauga and Zelda and I made other friends.  Moving to the suburbs is a whole other blog for another night. You can take the girl out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the girl..........

As we grew older, we lost touch for awhile. But Zelda come to the suburbs for my surprise 16th birthday party.  We then again lost touch for many years.  Missed milestones in each others life.  If it weren't for facebook finding each other, we probably wouldn't have connected again.  When my dad passed away almost 3 years ago, Zelda was there at his funeral.  It brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart to have her there.  Though more than 25 years had passed since we were kids, she was still there for me after all those years. 

This blog is a tribute to my best friend Zelda.  Thanks for being my best childhood friend.  Thanks for all the laughs and the memories that are forever in my heart.  I am sorry for the times that I made you sad....I can only hope that the good times we had were enough to bring a smile to your face when you think about your childhood best friend ;)

Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting.  Giving thanks and sending love!!

Amazing moments....childhood friends!

Day 26 of my 365 day blog challenge

Nathan and Enrique has become really good friends.  They go to the same school together and even though Enrique is 9, they are best buds.  We often have Enrique hanging out with us or Nathan is at his place or out with his family.  The friendship has been growing for 2 years and it's been an amazing thing to watch.  They are both such sweet boys.  They play well together and at times not so well.  But of course they always figure it out.

We feel so fortune to have become such good friends with his parents.  We camp together and our Saturday nights are usually spend at their place playing cards (gone are the partying days) while the kids play/fight/eat.....lol

I know our kids will not only be childhood friends but life long friends.  It's a special bond that they have and that we also have.

I am getting a little tired as it was a tough night playing cards..lol To be continued tomorrow night.
Do you remember your childhood best friend? I do.......more tomorrow!

Thanks for reading, sharing, commenting.  It's so appreciated! Giving thanks and love.

Through the eyes of a 6 year old....(now 7)

Nathan: Age 6

Me: Age 6

Day 25 of my 365 day blog challenge.

Every day I am reminded that I too was a kid once.  Nathan reminds me of what it was like to have a pure, healthy mind.  Free of fear, judgements, self doubt.  What it's like to use your imagination to create fun.  Hide and seek, dodge ball, rock/paper/scissors just to name a few. 

Seeing the world through Nathan's eyes gives a totally different perspective.  I was in that place once at 6 years old.  My biggest stress was that I had to go to bed early.  What happened along the way? How do we go from a happy, peaceful, loving self to worry, stress and sadness at times? 

Our minds are so powerful and we create our lives.  If we have fear about sickness, we can create that.  If we have worry about bills/debt and never getting a head, then we create our struggles.  Have you ever wondered what makes Oprah, Oprah? Have you ever thought about Bill Gates and thought "wow he's so lucky".   It has nothing to do with luck.  The only difference between them and me is that they had a goal/vision of what they wanted to create for their life and they followed through.  They didn't allow the fear, and self doubt to come in.  

Every day I work hard to stay focused on my goals and stay in a positive mind.  It's not easy.  But the struggles that I have faced are a reminder that I can do it! It's easy to get down and think that life has dealt you some pretty shitty cards.  I know now that life hasn't dealt me anything.  Some time along the way I lost my pure healthy mind.  I've allowed fear and self doubt to come in.  I am creating the life I want.  The life I want for my family and I.  Life and living are two different things.  If you are consumed with sadness and doubt you aren't living.  I have learned this the hard way.  I am choosing to live.  I am choosing to live my life through the eyes of my beautiful now 7 year old.

Keep your dreams alive because all things are possible if you just believe......

BTW Nathan asked if I was a boy when I was 6........LOL

Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting.  Giving thanks and sending love!!



So much more to life...

Day 24 of my 365 day blog challenge

My day begins every morning at 5 am.  I get up do some stretching, then my meditation practice and am at the gym for 6 am.  Meditation practice is very important to me.  It keeps me calm and focused.  With life being as crazy as it is at times, this practice is what keeps me grounded and feeling grateful.

These last couples of years I have had a strong desire to live somewhere else.  When I think about it, I have lived in Canada for 40 years.  40 years!!! That is crazy! Sure I have travelled and been to a few different places in my life.  Italy, France, Germany, Portugal, Austria, Netherlands, Hungary, Switzerland, England, Spain, Hawaii, Florida, Mexico, and the Dominican Republic.  But there is so much more to see.  I don't want to wait until I'm retired to travel and see the world. 

I would love nothing more than to pack my family up and go live in Thailand or Costa Rica for a year or two or three.  My wish is to live close to water surrounded by nature.  Live in a hut, grow my own vegetables and pick my fruit from the trees.  I want to experience so much more than life as I know it today.  For Nathan to have that experience would enrich his life.  I would love to do my meditation practice and continue to be at peace throughout the day.  Instead of finishing my practice, hearing horns honking, phones ringing and the craziness of life.  It doesn't have to be this way.  Who says that ours lives have to be lived in a house surrounded by technology, vehicles, hot, cold, wet weather and just the every day running around of life.  We work so hard to be able to go on vacation for maybe 2 weeks a year!!! Only to come back from vacation feeling exhausted and 10x more busy than we were leading up to the trip.  Or, we can't afford to go away at all and do the same thing year after year.  To me, this isn't living rather simply existing.  There is so much more to see in this world.  Such beautiful places to go and explore.  I refuse to live another 40 years in Canada and wish I had travelled more.

Don't misunderstand, I do love living in Vancouver.  But something in me wants more......

Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.  Giving thanks and sending love.

People spend a lifetime searching for their passion....

Gorilla Food - Line Chef :)

Day 23 of my 365 day blog challenge

When I think back to all the jobs that I have had through the years, I am amazed by all the things I have done.  I started out landscaping in Toronto for a few years and then I moved to Antigonish NS and pumped gas for a year.  That was a lot of fun! It was fun until I pumped gas into actor Lou Diamond Phillips tour bus instead of diesel.  They made it a few miles down the road and had the bus towed back and we had to syphon it out....LOL When I left NS and returned to Toronto, I went back to landscaping.  Cutting lawns, planting flowers/trees etc.  I really enjoyed the work.  It was very physical and it's what I went to college for.  Horticulture Landscape Design. Then I was offered a position to spray lawns.  Yes, chemical! I loved that job and sprayed lawns without a mask for 4 years.......(ummm I know those chemicals caused cancer).....

After 7 years of lawn care, I decided to shift gears and was offered a position at Honda.  I build cars there for 3 years.  I was in the paint department a few days a week and on the other days I was in charge of the cars via computer going out on the line to be assembled.  That was a great job.  Honda was a fantastic company to work for and I am so thankful.  They build awesome cars!!! I am extra thankful for Honda because that's where I met Karen :)

Then after leaving Toronto and moving to Vancouver I ended up in the restaurant industry.  I served, cooked and managed throughout the years in the industry.  In between working in the restaurant, I had my own landscaping company, I was a personal trainer and I was a Financial Advisor.........wowza!!

I have done many things in my working life.  Though I loved all the work, I always felt like there was something more.  Like I just hadn't found my passion.  When I was a Financial Advisor last year it was my "manager" at SunLife who said to me "some people spend their lifetime searching for their passion and never find it so they settle".  I was struggling with my decision as an Advisor and was hoping for some guidance.  Well that response wasn't good enough for me.  I quickly came to the realisation that when I talked to people, I talked more about raw food eating than I did about life insurance.  I left shortly after.....

I have been searching my whole life for my passion.   I became Vegan/Raw foodie about 2.5 years ago. Eating raw/living foods has changed my life.  Not only have they made me feel amazing but they have also kept me healthy.  I am now a Raw/Living food line Chef at Gorilla Food here in Vancouver and I couldn't be happier.  After years of searching, digging deep and never giving up I am living my passion.  This is just the beginning!

I didn't beat cancer to settle.  I beat it to live! I beat it to wake up every morning and do what I love.  Never give up on your passion.  If you feel like there's something more, there probably is.  Life is short.  If you aren't doing what you love, you are not living.

Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.  I feel so blessed! Giving thanks and sending love.

There's clearly a difference between being cool and looking cool...

Age 16

Day 22 of my 365 day blog challenge.

It takes 21 days to create or break a habit.  I am now over the 21 day mark so the next 344 days should be a breeze...lol

My baseball career started when I was around 7 years old and ended when I was 20.  I loved baseball! I was a pitcher, 1st base and centre field throughout the years.  When I played on the rep teams though, I was always first base.  I could pretty much catch any ball that was thrown at me.

Some of my greatest memories growing up were playing ball.  Every time I put that uniform on and walked onto the diamond I felt like a star.  I also thought that I was pretty cool.  Though looking back at the picture now, there is clearly a difference between being and looking.  I'm not sure how I fit all that hair under my baseball hat.  The 3 of us in the front row were the star players of the team.  We were also the ones who got in the most trouble (my dad was our coach).   Because I played on the All-star teams we travelled at times.  Those were the times we were in the most trouble.  Just like hockey, I found myself sitting out at times....lol

It's such an amazing feeling to be able to share my best childhood memories with my son now.  I am the coach of Nathan's baseball team.  Just like my dad and I would, we can play catch for hours.  To be able to coach and teach Nathan the game brings me back to those special times with my father.  I'm hoping that one day Nathan will be able to look back at the picture and think, these were some of my best childhood memories.

So a tribute to my dad for all his guidance through sports. Thanks for coaching and encouraging me to play and work hard.  Sports were my life and my father was such a big part of that.

Thank you for reading, smiling, sharing and commenting.  Giving thanks and love....

Happy 12th year wedding anniversary.....Our wedding song

Day 21 of my 365 day blog challenge.

I was having a very hard time yesterday uploading a video I put together for Karen and our Anniversary.  I just ended up posting it on Facebook, so have a look.  Amazed was our wedding song.

On Jan 20, 2001 in Streetsville, Ontario Karen and I exchanged wedding vows and partied with 90 invited guests.  We had a head table of selected family and 80 friends.  We rented a hall, had an open bar and a sit down dinner.  Though our marriage wasn't recognised then, it was all we needed and knew it was true in our hearts.  We had a blast!

Karen and I exchanged rings and wrote our own vows.  We made a promise that day to always love, and be true to each other through sickness and health.  We didn't know that just 6 years later our love would be tested in sickness. 

We have a deep love and respect for each other that has already weathered a few storms.  Karen and I will be together 15 years in June.  It's hard to believe that that I spent 25 years without her.  She is a part of my soul.  A deep love and connection that will last our lifetime. 

Thank you Karen for pursuing me back in 1998.  I knew it then and even more today that our love is everlasting.  You have my heart.......

Thanks for reading, watching my video and sharing.  Giving thanks and love!

It's all about being sorry.....

Day 20 of my 365 day blog challenge

Today is all about being sorry.  I am sorry because tonight I don't have my blog.  Well I guess I techanally do because I'm writing now.  But I have been trying for the last 2 hours to try and upload a video surprise for Karen and you of course.  Today is our 12th Wedding Anniversary.  I can't figure it out and get up at 5am.  But believe that I did do a little video and I will have it up for tomorrow.

So for now, I am sorry :)...lol 

Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting.  Giving thanks and love to all!

Lifelong friends in the least expected place....continued

Day 19 of my 365 day blog challenge.

Wright's Beach Campground in Penticton BC.  As I mentioned yesterday, 2011 was the first time we went to this campground about 5 hours outside of Vancouver.  We had an amazing time.  Though we were surrounded with trailers and we were in our tent, it was awesome.

The campground is so busy that you have to book your site a year in advance for the next year.  We couldn't wait for our trip in August 2012.  We had met some friends and were looking forward to seeing them.  We even stepped it up from our 4 person tent to an 8 person trailer! Friends of ours were kind enough to lend us their trailer for our 2 weeks.  They came up for a few days too, which was so much fun!. 

This summer at the campground was awesome! We saw our friends from the year before and met some new ones too.  Our trailer was on the beach and we really connected with 3 couples who were beside us.  We just seemed to have an instant connection.  It felt like we knew each other for years.  We are very much looking forward to seeing them again this August.

Sometimes in life you meet people and you just know that you want to know more about them. Meeting Deb and Ray, Tracy and Gord and Angela and Kyle really made our 2 weeks in Penticton memorable.  They are such amazing people.  I never imagined that I would love camping so much and that I would book my site 1 year in advance, but we have!

We feel so blessed to have met such kind, loving, lifelong friends in such a least expected place.  We are also so excited for Nathan to be able to grow up with his summer friends at the campground.  Now all I really need to know is, which one of you is renting the boat so I can water ski and check that off my bucket list!!!!

Building memories that will last a lifetime......

Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting.  Giving thanks and a whole lotta love.

Lifelong friends in the least expected place.

Day 18 of my 365 day blog challenge

Karen and I have been camping a few times.  She loves it and I usually complain the whole time leading up to the trip, during the trip and for about a week after we get home.  But I do it for Karen.....and now Nathan. 

In 2010 we drove to Penticton BC (about 5 hours away) because friends of ours told us about a popular family campground on the lake.  When we arrived after a beautiful drive I feel in love.  Surrounded by mountains, an awesome beach and huge lake.  Then we had to unpack and pitch the tent.  Fell out of love at this point....lol We noticed right away that this campground was packed with families.  It seemed that everyone knew each other.  Kids would be running from site to site, between trailers, jumping off the dock or buying candy at the store.  People hugged each other when friends arrived. On the second night we were there we met an awesome family Jaimey, her husband Terry and their daughter Emma.  We connected right away and hung out every night on their site.  Then we met a few others families that week.  We found out that families have been coming every year with some over 30 years to this campground.  That's why everyone seemed like they were friends.

Do I have you interested in the story so far?  I will continue tomorrow night.  My eyes are heavy and 5am comes quick :)
Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.  Giving thanks and love1

Just a young 22 year old.....

Day 17 of my 365 day blog challenge.
**Special post today** Happy 37th Birthday to the love of my life!

Karen was 22 and a student in University when this picture was taken.  We had just started dating.  I remember this picture so clearly because while she was at school, I carried it around with me.  So beautiful!

We were so young....I was 25 at the time, had my own place and was working.  Dating a younger University student who was hours away had its challenges.  Karen was in her last year too which meant lots of partying.  Her mom was also very sick at the time and was dying from ALS.  She tried to come home on weekends to visit her mom and me.  Sharon passed away in March that year just before Karen's final exams.  Like the strong woman she is, Karen pulled it together, passed and graduated.  Her mom is so proud.

It's really hard to believe that Karen was just a young 22 year old when she came into my life.  We have spent 15 years of birthdays together with each one being more special than the last.  I have always told her that she is like a fine wine and she just gets better looking with age.  This is so true.

 We always knew from a young age that we were meant to be.  We have so many more birthdays to share together.  I'm so excited for each one.

Karen love, you are as beautiful today as the first day we met.  This day on January 17, 1976 you were born.  Our lives are enriched because you have touched them.  I feel so blessed to have you by my side each and every day.  Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday Baby.  Looking forward to rocking on rockers together in our 90's.  Here's to an amazing love and an abundance of great health!

Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.  Giving thanks and love!

Where has the time gone....

Whistler-New Years 2003 

Day 16 of my 365 day blog challenge.

**Special post today: To my twin cousins Mathieu and Jason Happy 26th Birthday**

Cuba - 2010

Where has the time gone? The top picture of my twin cousins was taken in 2003.  My sweet boys were born in 1987.  I was only 15 years old at the time but I have always thought of them as my nephews.  I was so excited to meet them when they were just a few hours old.  I never wanted to put them down.  I was in high school at the time.  I went to a Trade school and one of the classes was Childcare.  When they would visit, I would bring them to school (they weren't even 1 year old)  and drop them off at the childcare at school then go to my classes.  I had that class everyday so I would be able to hang out with them.  I guess I ignored all the other children on those days.  Whoops....lol

In 2003 Mathieu, Jason and a friend of their's came from Ontario to visit during New Years!!.  They were 16 at the time and my aunt and uncle thought it would be a good idea.  Not sure what they were thinking leaving Karen and I to care for three 16 year old boys for a week! And one boy we had never met :))) We stayed in Squamish and went boarding to Whistler for a few days.  It was so much fun! On the way back to the hotel the boys asked if they could have beer (police friends pls cover ears).  Karen was all for it and I really struggled with them having beer.  I was such a nervous nelly and worried that they could be sick if they drank.  I didn't want their first drinking experience to be bad.  Karen was pretty sure that this wasn't their first time drinking beer.  After much debate I decided to buy a 12 pack.  I thought that when we got back to the hotel we could each have one and save they rest for the next night.  So we did.  It was fun! We laughed and shared some great stories.  They said they were feeling happy.  Karen and I decided to go to bed.  We told them not to stay up too late because we were boarding again in the morning.  They thanked us for the beer and we said goodnight.  When we woke up later in the morning we noticed that they drank all the beer.  I'm sure I checked to see if they still had a pulse.  I couldn't believe it.  They drank the remaining 7 beer and they weren't even sick.  When they woke up they were laughing at me.  They told me it wasn't their first time drinking (sorry Auntie Edna from all of us) :) but they knew I was nervous so waited until I went to bed to drink the rest....LOL

Mathieu and Jason: I am as proud of you today as I was 26 years ago.  My love for you is magical.  Your accomplishments so far in life along side your love for family is admirable.  I can't wait for the day one and or both of you gets married.  I will be right where I have always been...by your side.

Happy, Happy 26th Birthday you two handsome boyz.  Love from me to you xoxo

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing.  Giving much thanks and a whole lotta love.

Thanks for

I've come full circle....

Oct 2006 (5 months before being diagnosed)

June 2007 (2 months after being diagnosed)

Day 15 of my 365 day blog challenge.

Dec 2012 (Cancer free baby)

 

When I look at these pictures now they seem so long ago.  Nathan wasn't even a year old in this picture.  It was such an amazing time for Karen and I.  We tried for so long to have a baby and then Nathan came along.  I didn't know it then while holding my beautiful boy that the cancer in my body had already formed and started to grow.  Just 5 months later, I heard the words that changed my life in an instance "you have breast cancer dear".    When I look at these pictures side by side my heart breaks but at the same time I feel so blessed.

When I look at the picture with Karen and Nathan, I don't even know what I feel.  It all seems so surreal.  I went from having great hair, fit, healthy and happy to no hair, 30lbs overweight, extremely sick and so sad at times.  Soon after losing my hair, I was about to lose both my breasts, my ovaries and every healthy white blood cell in my body.  I had 25 rounds of chemotherapy (this was round 3)!! I lost myself around the time that picture was taken.  I mean honestly, you would have to with all the crap your body was going through.  I mean Chemotherapy..........It is intended to kill both good and bad cells.  There are approximately 25 side effects from it.  Some of them lasting the rest of my life.  Mine today include: nerve damage (throughout my body), nail damage, joint pain, body aches, menopause. 

I never complain and I never have.  I am so thankful for the journey.  Cancer changed me and I've embraced it.  But some days the joint pain is so bad that it's very hard for me to go to work or play with Nathan.  Some times I wish that I could feel my finger tips or that the nerve pains in my legs would just stop.  At times I wish that my mind would settle and that I never heard the word cancer.  But everything that is, has made me stronger and it reminds me everyday that I am a Survivor! I could have died, but I chose to live.......

I am smiling in all 3 pictures before, during and after cancer.  Why? Because I always knew from deep within my soul that at any stage in my life whatever came my way, I would be able to handle it and get through.....I'm proud of myself :)

It means so much to me that you take time out of your day to read, comment and share my blogs.  Giving thanks and sending xoxo

Mom, I'm pregnant....

Day 14 of my 365 day blog challenge.

This picture was taken at Halloween in 1995.  That's me the pirate at 23 years old with my buddy Edit.  I didn't mean Edith, her name is Edit (pronounced Eat it). We were heading out to a club called The Rose (gay club) to party.  I'm sure I thought I was hot.....LOL

Unlike Jodie Foster, I came out to my mom at 19 years old :)  I knew that I needed to tell her though I wasn't sure how I was going to do that.  After giving it much thought, I sat her down on the sofa across from me.  Mom, I have something to tell you.....I'm pregnant.  As she let out a big gasp and covered her mouth,  I said "I'm just kidding, I'm gay"....LOL Then the tears really started to roll.  In between crying she asked "what did she do wrong"? I told her that she didn't do anything wrong.  That I always knew from a very young age that something felt different.  After she stopped crying she hugged me and said "don't tell your father".  So we didn't, for 2 more years....

I remember being in grade 1 and thinking that the girls were so pretty.  Throughout my childhood, I had always felt that way.  I always hung out with the boys playing baseball, hockey, racing our BMX bikes.  Just like the boys, I too wanted the attention of the girls.  I never identified myself as gay.  I just knew that I liked girls, whatever that meant.  I did have one boyfriend in high school, but that was a cover to hide the fact that I liked my best friend.  I started dating girls at 19 when I went to my first gay club with my buddy Edit.  I felt very comfortable, like it was where I belonged.  I knew felt that need to announce to everyone I met that I was gay.  Even today, it's not what defines me rather simply a part of who I am.

I have so much more to say but I will have to continue this tomorrow.  5am comes way too fast :)
To be continued......

Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.  Giving love and thanks......

An unexpected blessing......

Day 13 of my 365 day blog challenge

In May of 2006 when Nathan was about 6 months old we were approached by a journalist who wanted to do a story.  The story was about 2 mom's for an upcoming Mother's day article in our local paper.  Our family picture was front page of the Vancouver Courier.  Nathan was on the floor in front of us.  The article talked about our family, having a child and us being two mom's.

A few days later we received a phone call from the journalist who wrote the article.  She said that a woman called in and said that Nathan looks exactly like her grandson and would we mind talking with her.  I hung up the phone and couldn't believe it.  Karen and I briefly discussed it and agreed to talk to the woman who we only knew as Bonnie.  Bonnie and I talked that same day.  She mentioned that Nathan very much so resembles her grandson who is 6 months older.  Her daughter also used a fertility clinic and all she knew about the donor was that he was Italian and played the Cello.  When I heard that, I knew we had a match.  Bonnie's daughter was away at the time so we couldn't confirm if the donor number was the same.  She called back a few days later and said "donor number 3164" I nearly burst into tears.  Not only had we found a 1/2 sibling of Nathan's but grandparents too!!!

Within days of talking we met with Bonnie and Mark (aka GrammyHawk and Grandad Mark) and Bonnie's sister and mom. The minute we met them at the door we felt like we were family, and we are.  They live in Vancouver too but Nathan's brother lives in Edmonton.  The boys have met and played together a few times.  You can defiantly see the resemblance between the two.

If Karen and I decided not to do the newspaper article we never would have met Nathan's brother and his other set of Grandparents.  This truly was an unexpected blessing for all of us.  To know that Nathan has a brother and that Bonnie and Mark have embraced Nathan as their own Grandson gives us such comfort.  They are amazing people who are funny, loving and very giving.  They have welcomed us with open arms as we have them.

GrammyHawk and Grandad Mark:  Thanks for all the love you have shown us.  You being in Nathan's life is such a blessing.  Looking forward to the day Grandad takes his boys on a weekend get-away. 

Thanks for reading, sharing and enjoying.  Giving thanks and sharing love.....

Special love kind of Grandpa love.......

Day 12 of my 365 day blog challenge

There's a special kind of love that is shared between grandparents and their grandchildren.  Regardless of whether or not you are truly related.  Once that bond is formed, it's unbreakable.  Nathan is extremely blessed to have so many wonderful people in his life who love him.

Karen and I met Marilyn and Larry (aka Nana and papa) about 12 years ago when we moved here to Vancouver.  Karen was a trainer at the time and Larry bought some training sessions for Marilyn.  We have been in each others lives ever since.  They have one son who is married.  Both he and his wife had decided that they aren't having children anytime soon.  When Nathan was born it felt natural for us to ask them if they would be his Nana and Papa (and guardian).  With our families being in Ontario and them possibly not having a grandchild, it was a win, win. 

Nathan loves Nana and Papa but the love he and his Papa share is special.  The bond between the two of them is so sweet.  For Nathan to have a strong, kind, loving male influence in his life is so important to us.  They build things together, they draw and play games.  Nathan has sleepovers there and we spend Christmas day with them.  He sees them on birthdays and has Sunday play days at Nana and Papa's.  They haven't taken him on a warm vacation yet though (hint, hint) :)

We needed them in our lives and in some way, they needed us.  Life is an amazing experience, if you are open to it.  Living life with your eyes wide open and your heart full of love can present you with some amazing gifts.  They are a gift to each of us, as we are to them.  We couldn't have wished for a better Nana and Papa for our son.

Sneak peek at tomorrow's blog:  A newspaper article that lead to us finding Nathan's brother and another set of wonderful Grandparents! ( his 1/2 brother)............

Many years of happiness and love.......

Day 11 of my 365 day blog challenge

This past April my mom married a very kind, gentle loving man Michael King aka my new daddy...lol.  Two years ago my father passed away.  My parents were married for 40+ years.  When my dad passed away I worried about my mom.  She was with my dad for so long that I wasn't sure how she would be.  Being so far away, it was a constant concern of mine.

I remember when my mom called me to tell me that she had met someone and his name was Mike.  I had mixed emotions at the time but I truly just wanted my mom to find happiness.  I knew that my dad wasn't coming back.  Mike wasn't here to try and replace my dad but rather add to my moms life.  They fell in love.  I was in 100% support of my mom and Mike getting married. 

Sometimes in life we only consider how we are feeling about something rather than seeing the other side.  My mom has always supported me throughout my life.  How could I not be supportive of her.  She asked me to walk her down the isle and honestly, I couldn't be more proud.  To be a part of my moms wedding was something that I never imagined.  I held her hand walking her down the isle while she was shaking and her handsome soon to be husband was waiting shaking too.  It was a beautiful wedding.  To see my mom and Mike so happy was such an amazing feeling.  The best part about this happy couple is that Mike has a really big family and now I have some pretty amazing siblings and cousins in my life. 

Our family came together that day to show their love and support for my mom and Mike.  We put whatever feelings some may have had aside and went to the wedding.  It's not for anyone else to say how long one should wait to marry again.  If it feels right, you follow your heart.  I'm so happy and blessed that my mom did.  My father would approve.

You never know what lies ahead in life.  What challenges, obstacles or new adventures will come your way.  I have fully embraced my moms decisions.  I know I made her so happy on her wedding day giving her away to Mike.  I wish them both many years of happiness and love.......

Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.  Giving love and thanks!

Standing on the side lines......

Day 10 of my 365 day blog challenge

August 2008 just 3 weeks after finishing 25 rounds of chemotherapy (1.5 years of treatment) I walked 60kms in 2 days.  I did it! I walked the whole way and got blisters in places I never thought were possible.  I walked with a friend of mine who I met through chemo and then met some pretty amazing people along the way. 

Every year prior to being diagnosed I would stand at the side lines and cheer and cry for the walkers who walked by.  I would think of all the women affected from this illness.  I would especially think of my grandmother who passed away in April 1992 of breast cancer.  I never thought that one day I would be the one wearing the pink shirt.  It was an extremely difficult weekend.  I laughed, I cried, and I did lots of soul searching.  When you are walking for 9 hours straight, you have many thoughts.  Walking through neighbourhoods where people were cheering and crying was an amazing feeling.  I was proud to be a breast cancer survivor!

This picture was taken as I crossed the finish line.  So overwhelming!  Nathan and Karen were there to greet me.  I had so many overwhelming emotions when I finished and saw them there.  They cheered me on throughout the 2 days.  Seeing my son along the way cheering for his mommy brings tears to my eyes today.  What was he thinking? He was only 3 years old.  What's cancer? All I knew was that those little eyes and beautiful smile lit up every time he saw me walking towards him.  He was and has always been my strength to beat this illness.

Walking that weekend was something that I needed to do.  Today I look at that picture and it seems a little surreal.  Was that me? Did I have cancer and beat it? You bet I did! But being able to be a part of such an amazing experience was only possible because my friends and family supported me.  You are the reason why something in me changed that weekend.  It was so much more than the walk.  So thank you from deep within my heart.

Thanks for reading, enjoying and sharing!!! I also very much appreciate your comments and sharing your stories.  I look forward to seeing who has liked my blog.  You continue to support me.....so blessed!
Giving thanks, love and appreciation.

Stages of life........

Day 9 of my 365 day blog challenge

This is my Auntie Edna (my Grandmothers sister).  An amazing women who has been living an amazing life.  She will be turning 97 this year and that number hasn't slowed her down at all.  This picture was taken this past April at my moms wedding.  Nathan loves Auntie Edna and couldn't wait to let everyone at the wedding know her age.  He's too young to understand that you never tell a woman's age :)  I love this picture! They are both so sweet! Different stages of life....

I have so many wonderful memories of my childhood and going to Auntie Edna's in Hamilton.  She felt like a second grandmother to me.  Then when my Nanny passed away in 1992, I was thankful to have Auntie Edna around.  Such a kind, wonderful, loving woman who always opened her arms and her home to those she met.

I'm sure that she has faced a few struggles in her 96 years.  Losing her husband many, many years ago.  Losing her sibling, and a daughter.  I'm also sure that Auntie Edna has had many joys throughout her life.  Imagine living 96 years and being as healthy and as full of life as she is. 

Though I'm not able to see her much anymore, I do see her when we go to Ontario.  The minute we walk through the doors I get the same feeling that I did when I was a kid.  Auntie Edna has lived in her same home for as long as I can remember along with her daughter (my cousin) Debbie. Hanging out at Auntie Edna's, sitting around talking, eating (candy all around).  Her gentle touch and warm heart will brighten any ones day.  Those are the childhood memories that will last a lifetime.

Thank you Auntie Edna for all the love you have shown me throughout my life.  Living 96 healthy years and still being able to do everything on your own is truly amazing.  You are an inspiration! Here's to continued good health.  I can't wait to come home to celebrate your 100th birthday party with you!

Thanks for reading and sharing.  Giving thanks and love........

Girl's best friend.....

 

Day 8 of my 365 day blog challenge!

 

Meet our dog Cade.  Aka: Kate (my mom calls him), Cadie boy (uncle Al), Cadie and what's your dog's name again? Whatever name he is known by, everyone remembers him.  Cade is a soon to be 13 year of Rottweiler/Italian Mastiff/lab.  I have had dogs my whole life.  I have never had a dog/Buddha/spirit or whoever he is, like this.  Cade is so different in so many ways.  People who don't like dogs, like Cade.  When we would go to the park people would pick up their dogs when they saw him coming.  It would only take them a few minutes to see that he is so sweet.  He's a gentle giant, a kind soul.  He welcomed Nathan into his life the second they met. 

 

Karen and I had just moved out West.  We had only been here a few months when we decided to go to the shelter to "see" if they had any dogs.  We had discussed getting one.  But before we could, we would have to establish some ground rules.  1. The dog would have to be medium sized 60-70 lbs.  2. Preference would be a light colour dog not a dark one.  3. Not a puppy! At least 3 years old.  Karen went to one side and I went to the other.  I saw her stop at a kennel that had a medium sized dog and I was thinking no way! I want a large dog :) As I looked in each passing kennel I wanted to rescue all of them.  As I rounded the corner, there he was.  Sitting quietly looking out while another dog was biting his ear.  Cade was his name and he was 10 months old, dark brinle in colour and weighed 100 lbs.  Uh oh, how was I going to convience Karen that this was the dog for us.  I ran to see her and she was making googily eyes at another dog.  I told her I found our dog.  I'm sure she said "oh, he's a little big".  Ten minutes later we signed the papers and were walking out with our big boy Cadie.  

 

Cade has added so much to our lives and has filled our days with joy.  He is slowing down these days.  Needs a little more attention than ususal.  He has a cough and a few lumps on his body.  But he is such a happy, peaceful dog who is a blessing to have around.  I know that Cade wouldn't live forever.  I just hope that when that day comes he slowly closes his eyes while surrounded by those who love him the most......his mom's and little bro Nathan.

 

Thanks for reading, sharing and enjoying.  Giving thanks and sending you an abundance of happiness.



Bonus post!

Something just came to my mind that I have to share.

Throughout my life I have had many friends.  I grew up in Toronto for 13 years, then moved just outside of Toronto.  Moved to Antigonish NS, then back to Toronto.  Travelled to Florida, Mexico, DR, Hawaii and throughout Europe.  Now have found my home in Vancouver BC for the last 12 years.  So naturally along the way, I have met many people from all walks of life.  Some of those people stuck, and some didn't.  Some lasted for days, weeks and maybe even years.  They came and went.  We shared laughter, tears and maybe a memory or two.  Some stuck and some didn't.......I feel blessed to have 229 friends who have stuck!!

Thank you for being a friend.  Travelled down the road and back again.  Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.  And if you threw a partyyyy and invited everyone I knew ew ewww, you would see the biggest gift from me would be from me and the card attached would say...Thank you for being a friendddddd............LOL

Oh yes I didid :)))

Like father like daughter.....

Day 7 of my 365 day blog challenge

My dad, Elio (Rocky) Di Venanzo born August 27, 1942 and passed away on March 12 2010.  I remember the call, my mom just arrived here in Vancouver in the morning for a 10 day visit.  We received a call that afternoon that my dad had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital.  Hours later my mom and I were on a plane back to Ontario.   It was an extremely long flight home.  I was so worried that we weren't going to make it.  The last time I saw my dad was in October 2011.   I just wanted to make it in time so that he would know that I was there.  As we ran off the elevator, we were told that he was on life support.  The doctors thought that he would still have a chance to come out of it so they wanted to do a major surgery.  Within hours he was having surgery.  My dad had a 50/50 chance of coming out of it alive.  He did! Though still on support just in case, he pulled through.  That night I slept on the chair at the hospital.  I just felt that I needed to be close to him.  I spent the next 4 days at the hospital going into his room every few hours to tell him stories. Though he was heavily medicated and on support, I know he knew I was there.   The doctors thought that there was a really good chance that he was going to pull through.  Then out of no where he got an infection that just took over.....he passed away a few hours later.  I was holding his hand when he took his last breathe.

This blog isn't about sadness.  It's about an amazing man who still teaches me today.  My father and I were very much alike.  In my early 20's our tempers would get the best of us.  But we had a deep love for each other.  One that I didn't truly understand sadly until he passed away. 

When I turned 16, I had my drivers exam.  After 2 times, I finally passed.  My dad told me to come by his body shop.  There was a car there a Nissan Pulsar that had been in an accident and was doomed for the junk yard.  My dad said it was mine.  He asked me what colour I wanted it to be and that he would suit it up to my liking.  It had and sunroof and was standard.....so cool! I choose white with a pearl coat so that when the sun hit it, it was a sweet blue/purple.  I sat in that car shifting gears for days while the mechanics were repairing it on the lift....lol  A few weeks later it was finally ready.  But first before I could drive it my dad made me jack it up and remove the tire.  Just in case I ever had a flat.  Next, I had to learn to drive standard.  My dad came with me the first time and then never again.......lol I finally got it and he couldn't be more proud. 

My dad was my hockey coach, my baseball coach, and my life coach.  The lessons he taught me at such a young age have continued to carry me through in my life today.  I feel my dad around me every day.  I know he is with me.  Our love goes so much deeper than life on earth.  Though I wish that I could kiss him or have him pinch my cheek, I feel him. 

This is just one story of many that I want to share with you.  I have 358 more blogs to do so I'm sure there will be many more.

If you are fortunate to still have your parents around, take the time to call them.  I understand that life is busy and that sometimes our past gets in the way of the present.  Time does heal.  Once a loved one passes away, part of your heart passes too.  Don't waste another minute, call your family.  Invite them to lunch or just fill them in on your life.  I talk to my mom every single day, sometimes 2 times per day.  My life is never too busy for my mom.  She has my heart.  She gave me life.  I want her to know today while she is alive and well, how much I love her.  I can't imagine my life without her.  I know that the day will come but until then she will know everyday what she means to me.
Take the time.............

Thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing.

Giving thanks.  Sending you energy, love and happiness!

The water skiing that wasn't meant to be......

Day 6 of my 365 day blog challenge

Dominican Republic 1999.  Our first vacation together.  We had only been together for about a year.  So we were still really getting to know each other.  As you can see by the picture above, I look very sad and Karen looks extremely happy.  Here's the story..........

We were about 4 days into our awesome vacation.  We met a great group of people.  We drank a lot, danced a lot and we were having a fantastic time.  We went horseback riding, went for a ride on a boat, swam and tanned all day long.  I'm pretty sure no matter what we were doing, I was always trying to impress Karen.  Newly dating and well, I being the older one thought she could learn from me.  I suggested that we go water skiing.  Karen had been before and I never tried it but had always wanted to.  Karen suggested that I go and she would watch me.  There she sat on the beach, drink in hand watching me as I suited up to get ready to do some jumps in the waves.  I'm fit, I'm athletic, it's noon and I've had about 4 drinks in me.  I can do this! The boat takes me out, I do a little wave and off we go.  I can't stand up...........that's right, I can't stand up.  He takes me back to shore 7 times and we start all over again.  I just can't stand up.  Why am I not getting this.  Karen doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.  Finally he takes me back to shore, turns off the engine and sits me down on the beach (above picture).  He explains to me that this is simply taking too long and that others are waiting to try.  He would give me one more chance but if I don't get it, the money would be wasted.  Then he suggests that Karen go and use the last chance because she has done it before.  As you can see by my picture, I was very sad.  I'm sure that my ego was also a little bruised.  Karen and I discuss it and we decide that she better try.  He takes her out and as soon as he gains speed, she stands up and starts skiing.  I'm sure I could see the smile on her face from the shore.  Thankfully by that time, I had another drink in my hand.  The picture above is Karen just after she finished.  I'm sure she was super excited and had a lot of fun.  It sure looked like she did from where I was sitting.  In the same spot the guy left me.....LOL

Needless to say, I have never tried water skiing since.  It is on my bucket list but next time I will try it on a lake. 

Fourteen years later Karen still thinks I'm pretty cool.  That time in the DR didn't ruin me or us.  It's definitely a funny picture now.  I don't think that I should be too embarrassed about the skiing rather more embarrassed about my sad face in the picutre...........

Hope you enjoyed! Giving thanks and love.

Hand in hand.....

Day 5 of my 365 day blog challenge.

Today was a Mommy and Nathan day. Karen was busy so Nathan and I spent the whole day together. We are a very fortunate family who have always spent so much time together. So when we have the opportunity to have one on one time with our son, we get very excited. Today was our day. We spent some of our day getting our cousin Christine from the airport who is here studying at SFU (yay). But for most of the day it was just the two of us. We went to Granville Island to the kids market. We laughed, we played, we held hands walking around. I said to Nathan "son you don't have to hold mommies hand". His response "it's okay mommy I want to". It melted my heart. But that's not hard to do considering he had my heart the day he took his first breathe.

Growing up I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. I wasn't sure how that was going to happen (stating the obvious here) I just knew that I never wanted to be pregnant. Then I met Karen and well everything changed. Before Karen got pregnant with Nathan, I tried for almost a year. After months of trying I was told that I couldn't get pregnant......devastating! Some thoughts I had were: what if Karen gets pregnant will I feel as if this child were my own? Would he/she love me? After taking a few months off Karen tried. We did exactly the same routine of checking the stick every time we tried. Karen would do the test. After about 5 minute's we would walk into the bathroom holding hands and look. Month after month for the next 4 months we would do the same routine with the same result, negative! April fools day in 2005 something magical happened. We waited 5 minutes for the result. We walked in hand in hand and looked at the stick.....negative. As we embraced each other crying I turned around and noticed the positive symbol coming up.....PREGNANT!! We screamed and cried and from that very moment I knew that my love for someone would never be the same.

November 28 2005 I held him in my arms while he took his first breathe. While I embraced him, kissing him I had this overwhelming feeling of a deep love that I've never felt before. Nathan Edward Di Venanzo. Such a strong name for such a little baby boy.

Today was special. I feel so blessed to have such a gift in my life. A kind gentle soul who continues to teach me each passing day. A little boy who has taught me how unconditional love truly feels. He has taught me that it's not okay to lose my cool. He has taught me that no matter how much you love your spouse, Nathan always gets the first kiss in the morning. He has also taught me that it's okay to feel down for a minute but to pick yourself back up because you have a little boy waiting to play.

I have never doubted for a second that Nathan isn't my son. I didn't have to give birth to him for us to have a deep connection. We've had it since the day he was conceived. I am his mommy and he is my son. We will always walk hand in hand.

Thanks for reading. Giving thanks.

"Mommy were you a boy when you were a kid?"

Day 4 of my 365 day blog challenge.

So, here I sit in my grade 4 class photo.  That's my best friend Zelda beside me (thanks FB for bringing us together again).  I showed Nathan this photo last night and the first thing he said was "Mommy were you a boy when you were a kid?" At that point I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  That's what prompted my blog last night about living most of my life being asked that question.  All I can say it that I have always been a tomboy.  I always knew I was a girl and never wanted to be a boy.  I preferred boys clothes and played with cars.......okay maybe there was a little gender confusion..LOL

I was very athletic growing up.  I played both hockey and baseball on the all-star team.  I would ski, had a racing go-kart, played pool in tournaments and should mention that I even bowled for 10 years from the age of 3.  I loved playing sports.  When I wasn't playing them, I would always dress the part.  Ball cap on backwards, hockey or baseball jersey.  I remember in grade 6 wearing my purple hockey jersey and baseball hat on backwards.  I'm pretty sure I wore that jersey everyday.  My grade 6 teacher Ms Maksymiw (she has been in my life ever since) told me years later that for the first few weeks of school (she was a new teacher) she just thought I was the cutest boy with such charisma and couldn't figure out why my parents would name me Tracy :)

It wasn't easy growing up with others being confused about my gender.  I guess it was something that I just got use to.  Sometimes I would just say "I'm not a boy, I'm a girl".  Other times I wouldn't say anything and just lift my shirt in frustration.  Hours later the doorbell would ring with some kids parent complaining to mine that I flashed their kid.  Those were the times that I would get into trouble.........

Girl, boy, boy, girl, whatever the confusion I have always been happy being me.  My childhood was filled with many friends who always accepted and embraced me.  Besides, they always knew who to turn to if they were being picked on by someone :)

Thanks for reading, it means so much.......

Giving thanks

A boy or a girl??

Day 3 of my 365 day blog challenge.

If I were given a dollar for every time I heard "are you a boy or a girl" I would likely be a trillionare by now.  Looking back, who could blame them? I mean, look at this picture.  That's me #16,
Di Venanzo on the back of my jersey.  Playing on a Rep team being the ONLY girl in an all boys league.  To top it all off I was consistently Caption of my teams and always in the top 3 for goals in the league.  Oh, I should also mention.........top penalty minutes too....LOL
This picture for me makes me feel alive.  Those were some of my best childhood memories.  I remember running into the ice rink hours before my game.  Bag over shoulder stick in hand running to watch the games before me.  Then I couldn't wait to get dressed.  Sometimes I would put all my equipment on at home just so I could save some time to watch the game.  My dad and I would go into an empty dressing room (because I couldn't change with the boys) to get my stuff on.  My dad would always pat me on the back of my helmet and say "have a great day".  Minutes later he would be benching me for getting a penalty......he was also my coach :)

It's time to wind down with my meditation now.  To be continued tomorrow.....

Giving thanks.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Day 2 of my 365 day blog challenge:
That saying couldn't be closer to the truth for me.  This past year 2012 was such a tough year in many ways.  April 11th was my 5th year clear of cancer.  Doctors put so much significance into this 5 year clear.  From the day I was diagnosed I heard "5 year clear" so many times throughout my journey.  As a cancer patient, you put so much thought and strength into making it to that "5 years clear".  For what? So what does it mean? Does it mean if I can just make it to that "5 year clear" everything will be okay? Or does it mean at my "5 year clear" cancer will forever be erased from my mind.  Today, neither could be further from the truth.  For many years I thought both of these at one time or another.  I struggled everyday to get the fear of cancer out of my head.  I would wake up in cold sweats or couldn't sleep for the fear of not waking up.  I struggled wondering whether or not I was going to be here for my amazing son and beautiful partner.   I would look at Nathan and wonder if he would have to grow up without his mommy.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears........
Truth be told, I finally understand that my breast cancer diagnosis would take me 5 years to see it for what it was.....a challenge! A challenge to see what I was truly made of.  How badly did I want to live?  Was I ready for the fight of my life.? Cancer has changed me.  I have embraced the fact that our minds create our lives.  Think positive thoughts and achieve greatness.  Receive all that we desire from life.  Create your life! The way you want it to be.  Think negative thoughts and you create an unhappy life.  You have poor health, sadness, financial problems.  I have lived and struggled with both thoughts.  I feel so blessed that the teacher appeared and I was ready.  Living in a healthy state of mind is so much more peaceful and fulfilling.

Until tomorrow..........................

Giving thanks.